It's a struggle today

Today has been a struggle. I never realized how difficult it was going to be to keep my bearing and composure through all of this. I woke up this morning wondering am I making the right decision? This is something that I struggle with because I do love him so much.

As I get myself dressed for work and my little one up I begin to think; I wonder what it will be like once I can finally move out and on from the current situation. Will I feel better or worse? So many thoughts are running through my head and it's not even 7 am. I look back now and wish I had put money off to the side so this wouldn't be so difficult. I know what I need to do, but it takes time, time that I wish I didn't have to wait. I have been looking for an apartment now for almost 3 weeks. I understand that living in a college town makes it difficult to find a place, but it shouldn't be this hard? The few that I do find are disgusting. I had one landlord tell me it's normal to have roaches in an apartment. Nope. Not going to happen.

I wish I could stay at the house we are currently living in, but I can't afford the mortgage. Living just barely above minimum wage is difficult for even just 1 person let alone with a child. I want to give her everything even if that means sacrificing it all. I feel like a part of me has failed my daughter. I'm giving it my all, yet it still doesn't feel like I'm doing all that I can? Why do I feel like this?

I hope that Wednesday will be a good day, I have a appointment to go look at 2 bedroom apartment. My hope is high that it will be nice, the only down fall will be if I can move in by May 1st that I can pay the $1600 in the deposit as well as the first month's rent. The normal $800 a month is stretching my budget tight, I will have to make it work even if it means I have to pick up odd jobs. I will get through this, I am going to make it out on top. We are going to be ok! I have to believe in myself and trust that my heart and head are pointing me in the right direction. I am a strong woman, I can do this. I CAN, I WILL! This is what I keep repeating in my head! This is a struggle, but I can and I will make it to the top!