It's a struggle today

Today has been a struggle. I never realized how difficult it was going to be to keep my bearing and composure through all of this. I woke up this morning wondering am I making the right decision? This is something that I struggle with because I do love him so much.

As I get myself dressed for work and my little one up I begin to think; I wonder what it will be like once I can finally move out and on from the current situation. Will I feel better or worse? So many thoughts are running through my head and it's not even 7 am. I look back now and wish I had put money off to the side so this wouldn't be so difficult. I know what I need to do, but it takes time, time that I wish I didn't have to wait. I have been looking for an apartment now for almost 3 weeks. I understand that living in a college town makes it difficult to find a place, but it shouldn't be this hard? The few that I do find are disgusting. I had one landlord tell me it's normal to have roaches in an apartment. Nope. Not going to happen.

I wish I could stay at the house we are currently living in, but I can't afford the mortgage. Living just barely above minimum wage is difficult for even just 1 person let alone with a child. I want to give her everything even if that means sacrificing it all. I feel like a part of me has failed my daughter. I'm giving it my all, yet it still doesn't feel like I'm doing all that I can? Why do I feel like this?

I hope that Wednesday will be a good day, I have a appointment to go look at 2 bedroom apartment. My hope is high that it will be nice, the only down fall will be if I can move in by May 1st that I can pay the $1600 in the deposit as well as the first month's rent. The normal $800 a month is stretching my budget tight, I will have to make it work even if it means I have to pick up odd jobs. I will get through this, I am going to make it out on top. We are going to be ok! I have to believe in myself and trust that my heart and head are pointing me in the right direction. I am a strong woman, I can do this. I CAN, I WILL! This is what I keep repeating in my head! This is a struggle, but I can and I will make it to the top!

Where does motivation really come from?

Where does motivation come from when you are going through a difficult time? Is it your self, your family and friends or even maybe a co-worker? Can it come from a random stranger, another blog or maybe a book your reading? 
I am a avid book reader, any time I start a book I feel the need to finish it. That last sentence gives me a self gratification knowing that I have conquered another book. Wondering which book will be my next, will it be better than the last? I can escape and dream of another life,explore a world I might not know or imagine that love like this really does exists. It makes you look at your life from a different perspective and wonder if maybe, just maybe, you can even come close to the happiness that you sometimes read about. 

Maybe that motivation comes from a complete stranger who says the right thing. Who gives you a thought or idea to think about. Than you start to think to yourself, I need to change, I want to change. That my outcome and my perspective on life is what I make of it. Is this who I really want to be? Do I want my daughter to look at me and wonder why I did what I did. I want her to be proud and set a good example. I don't think enough parents think how our actions affect our children. We judge others by their actions and ourselves by our intentions, but our kids believe that every action that we make is for their best interest. Is it really? Isn't it sometimes for our own?

My motivation in life is to give my child the best that I can offer, while still filling my own needs. Its a daily struggle to wake up each morning and motivate myself to be the best, but in the end it's worth it. The smile on my daughters face is enough for me to know that I have conquered that day and made it through to the next.

Where does this journey begin?

We believe as children that life and love is like a fairy tale, that prince charming is going to come one day and we live happily ever after. As we grow older our prince charming becomes just a prince and from there we only hope that we can find that "One" person who will truly understand you. It is easy for some people to find this true love, others it takes a life time. We wonder and ponder if he/she will ever come around and will we ever meet them, but what do you do when someone you love continues to break your heart?

My journey in life has taken me many places. I know the difference between a dream and reality, but is it wrong to want a "prince charming'? I know that we won't ride off into the sunset, that everything isn't going to be simple and life has its ups and downs.

I have been married for almost 3 year, but together for 8. In this time we have had many ups and downs, a birth of a child, deaths, weddings, financial difficulties, emotional turmoil  and  much more. I imagine that this is what every marriage is like, that not one marriage is perfect.

Growing up I saw a marriage that was broken, but it worked for them. I think to myself do I want to be like my parent's and be with someone because you are afraid to be alone? No. I won't. I want to wake up in the morning and be thankful for them, love them unconditionally and live like I might not see them tomorrow. I know that I can't ask that from my significant other, but what I do want is to respected and loved.

I know that I am a hard person to love, I make it difficult and keep allot of my emotions bottled inside. I want to please everyone and forget sometimes that I deserve to be happy too. What I do know is that I don't deserve to be lied to, cheated on, and live wondering when he is going to do it again. I know deep down he is not a bad person, but if he truly did love me, he wouldn't have cheated on me.

I don't think that any excuse is a good enough reason to place blame on anyone but himself. It's not alright. Its wrong and what makes it worse is I have forgiven him and yet he continues to stumble down that same path. It's a cycle that never ends, you say I'm sorry, he won't do it again. He didn't mean to hurt me and you will stop, but then maybe a month or so from now he does it again. I know I deserve better yet I stay because I dream and believe him to be my "prince charming" and my "one", but is he really?

Now I sit here pondering if I truly know what "true love" is, that's a tough question I think to ask of anyone. Do any of us really understand love. Is it even something that is meant to be understood? So many questions down a path I have yet to explore. I wonder where this journey is going to take me and will I ever find happiness that I dream of.